As a single mom, my mother was left to care for 4 children; one of which had Autism. Growing up, I had often felt alone and neglected, feeling a deep sense of loneliness. I never had the encouragement or affirmation I needed and craved. I lacked self-confidence and social skills. I would refrain from engaging in the public world and would often find comfort at home under the covers.
I developed Social Anxiety disorder intertwined with Depression. I had thoughts of committing suicide and that gave me comfort. I felt relieved when I thought about how all this emotional pain could go away forever. I thought about how my relatives were in Iran and I knew nothing about them. My brothers were older than me and I could barely remember them being around. I thought that if I could just be thin then I would be confident, so at age nine I developed an eating disorder.
My anxiety got worse and I avoided every social situation I could. I would have panic attacks when I was just in the vicinity of people. In high school I started to drink, and that became everything to me. I ended up losing my first job at 16 when I went to work drunk. I would depend on alcohol so much to ease my anxiety that I secretly drank throughout the day. Then alcohol turned into drugs.
I went up the ladder in drugs, searching for a more intense high each time. At this point I felt that I had nothing to live for so I invested all my time and money on partying. I felt free, when in fact, I was a slave to these drugs, needing them to be “normal”. I would do drugs at school and I thought nothing of it. My moral compass was gone. I was basically living to die and I thought that if I did die, at least I would die with a smile on my face.
I hated my mom and treated her with great disrespect. I hated myself, my life, everything. To cope, I avoided thinking of these things and reverted to self-medication. I saw a few doctors and they told me that I had to quit what I was doing because the combination of what I had been taking was lethal.
But I didn’t care. There was nothing else going for me and I began hating myself even more. One night I decided to end my life. A voice inside me said, “if I die, no one would care”, that my own family didn’t love me.
I took a bottle of prescription meds and collapsed on the floor. I was rushed to the hospital where the doctor looked right in my eyes and told me “You are lucky you’re alive. You would have had a really painful death.” At that moment it all clicked; I could have died. What was I doing? How I could be so stupid? Yet despite it all, I still couldn’t quit. I didn’t have the power within myself and I didn’t see a reason to.
It wasn’t until college when I met a friend who talked to me about Jesus. I felt the love that I never felt from my family. I gave my life to the Lord and things began to change. My first prayer was, “God if you are real, take these drugs from me.” And He did.
Now I am living in the light by the power of Christ. I will never forget that night in the hospital and I am so grateful for my life now. I should be dead, but by the grace of God I’m alive! Now I’m free.
Glory to the one that saves, Jesus Christ.